Oh Happy Day!

Poom. Poom. Poom. Poom.

My heartbeat was quick and forceful as the doppler searched. We all held our breath.

Poom. Poom. Poom. Poom.

I tried not to focus on anything. Owen had decided to put my shoes on and walk around the birthing room. He was actually doing a very good job and keeping balanced. I couldn't help but laugh, even though we were only hearing my heartbeat after a couple minutes of searching. Then...

PewPewPewPewPewPewPewPew...

There it was! The heartbeat!! 

This morning was my first appointment with Puget Sound Birth Center. I am now ten weeks pregnant and there is a healthy, growing baby inside of me! This morning was a defining moment for us... neither of our past two pregnancies made it this far. We are pretty sure this baby is sticking around, thanks be to God!

My midwife explained something to me today that I hope will be encouraging to any other young moms who may have struggled through a similar situation. For those of us who are young and very fertile, it's common for our bodies to latch on to any fertilized egg that comes our way. Our bodies are so eager to be pregnant that no matter if there is something genetically wrong with the embryo, our bodies will still try as hard as possible to make a safe home for it. This is most likely why multiple miscarriages happen at our age. At least, this is my midwife's hypothesis (after 13+ years of catching babies).

If you don't know our history, I'll give a little recap. After Owen's first birthday I stopped nursing and we decided to try for a second baby. I got pregnant immediately (which didn't surprise us, given how quickly we got pregnant with Owen) and we got very excited. At seven weeks or so my symptoms waned dramatically but I figured it was just a different pregnancy than Owen's and I didn't worry. I began spotting at ten weeks and after a few days of mild bleeding, we went to the ER and discovered the miscarriage. A month after the miscarriage bleeding stopped, I got pregnant again. We were a little wary of this pregnancy because of how close to the previous one it was, but I felt symptoms for longer. I think I carried to ten weeks again before the spotting started for the second time. I was pretty certain from the start that this was a second miscarriage because my body was processing everything the same way as the first time. So in January, we mourned the loss of another child.

After two miscarriages so close together, we wanted to wait several months before trying again. Nevertheless, God had other plans and we got pregnant in March - only two months after my second miscarriage. Again, we were wary, but the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned gave me the sense that this one was going to "stick", so to speak. We have been waiting in anticipation over the last several weeks as my symptoms have continued and after today's appointment, we are almost completely certain that we are going to meet this baby in December!!

I cannot even begin to express my gratitude toward the Lord for this. It's been such an interesting journey in these last nine months... pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant... It's just been hard to know what to say to people, what not to say and discerning if I just care too much what people think. I also have had trouble discerning my own feelings throughout all this. I am very good at detaching myself from being "emotional" and looking at the logic behind every situation. But is that skirting around my grief that is real and without sin? It's all so confusing. And I know God is not done with me yet. I'm just not quite sure where He is leading me in it.

For now, I'm just thankful. Thankful for a new life, thankful for God-given patience, endurance and perseverance and thankful for a wonderful community of friends and family who have been walking faithfully with us through this process. God is so good, even in our pain and suffering. He is always with us and always there to comfort us. And He is always there to rejoice with us. I'm so thankful that I get to rejoice with my God today!

Oh, and here's a recent picture of our first baby. He is growing up SO fast!! I am definitely ready for another small little containable thing :).

Abundance

Wow, after all the love I was shown over my last post, I know it will be impossible to top that. But that's not what it's about now, is it? This is just a friendly update post about what we've been up to. I said I was going to try and blog more, so this is the result of that.

Nick and I went to Las Vegas a few weeks back. Actually, my miscarriage process started right before we left but didn't really kick into gear until we got home, which was a huge blessing. Nick and I had a ton of fun exploring a crazy new city we had never been to before! We ate some amazing food, saw a few incredible shows and even won a bit of money at the casinos! It was the perfect little anniversary getaway for us and was a good distraction from what we would come home to. Here are a few photos from our trip...

Also, a couple of weekends ago Nick and I went with my family to a pumpkin patch in Kent. Owen had more fun than I think he ever has in his entire life. The whole time we were there he was flapping his arms, his eyes were gigantic and he couldn't wipe the grin off his face! It was so much fun to watch him enjoy himself so much!!

  

We also had a very funny moment in our home the other day. Owen got into some purple paint without me knowing and he was COVERED in it! Now there are a few purple paint stains on his carpet that I'm not sure will come out... Hopefully we won't have to replace the whole carpet in his room! Ah, the joys of children. This is how I found Owen after putting away what I thought were all the jars of paint in our art bin...

You can imagine my shock and horror when I found this little monster banging on our sliding glass door! All I could do was laugh and take pictures of him. The paint had already dried so the damage was done. I love the confused look on his face! He cracks me up. I left him like that for about ten minutes - until Nick got home, so he could see this for himself - and then we promptly plopped Owen in the tub. I'm pretty sure there's still some purple on him. It took some serious scrubbing to get his skin back to the normal color!

I am so blessed by my little family and all God has given us. I am so thankful for the opportunity for little getaways and fun activities that allow me to spend good quality time with my two favorite people in the world. It is such a joy to watch Owen grow and learn and for all three of us grow to love each other more. I love this life I have been given SO much!

Sovereign, Gracious, Glorious!

Rest in God's sovereignty. Rely on God's grace. Submit to God's glory.

These three short sentences are written on a pink sticky note that is fastened to my computer screen which forces me to stare at them every single day. They are a small excerpt from Paul Tripp's book "Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands". They are three of God's greatest truths that we often skew and twist in our sinful hearts. I think I am beginning to understand how to live out these three things more and more every time I read them. Yesterday was one of those days where those three truths were put to the test.

Nick and I were given the news yesterday that I miscarried our baby.

There are many emotions I am feeling right now, but the one I keep coming back to is peace. True, my heart is full of sorrow that our baby will never see this earth and snuggle in my arms. True, I am angry that the existence of sin results in unborn children being taken from the womb. But more so, I am full of peace that our good, glorious Savior is holding our baby in heaven right now. I am actually more jealous of my child than I am upset! Our beautiful baby will never experience the sin of the world. He or she will never watch their loved ones die or be in physical pain. They will never be rebellious toward God or go through a season of doubt. Our child is in PARADISE. He or she is just waiting to meet us.

And that actually brings me JOY.

Knowing that this is all part of God's glorious plan allows me to rest in His sovereignty.

Knowing that God will comfort me perfectly allows me to rely on His grace.

Knowing Jesus is loving on our child right now allows me to submit to His glory.

A good friend of ours shared with me that through her miscarriages she relied on Jeremiah 29:11-13 as a reminder of God's truth. This made me smile because not only is it a fabulous verse, but I am so fond of it that we read that verse when we dedicated Owen to Jesus little over a year ago. Here it is:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

Additionally, my best friend reminded me that the middle name we picked out for a boy was Elijah. In the Bible, Elijah never died - he was taken straight up into heaven on a fiery chariot. It brings me hope and joy to think that our baby was able to pass from this world to the next in a similar way. Maybe in a bit less flashy of a manner, but still - without pain and straight to Jesus.

All in all, I am immensely thankful. I am thankful for our community that is walking with us and being available in this time. I am thankful for caring doctors and midwives who have been alongside me every step of the way. I am thankful for our healthy son who gives me great joy. I am thankful for my supportive, loving, caring husband who is being sensitive to my needs and is constantly checking up on me. But mostly, I am thankful for our sovereign, gracious and glorious God who knows exactly why this is happening, how it will contribute to His plan and how it will bring Him glory.

Thanks for reading, friends. And thank you for your prayers. We are truly blessed.